Wow… Performing sure is difficult. I don’t know how I feel at the moment. It’s a negative feeling. I wonder why. Maybe because I’m insulting myself again.
Day 1 was very exciting. Jia Ling came over in the morning so we could put on makeup. Lesson number one: I really don’t enjoy makeup. I just don’t. I want to state all the reasons why but that will just make my mood worse, so no. Flower flower, be happy Sanxithe. Be happy.
Anyways, my performance went pretty well. I think it did. Kuiin senpai actually filmed a short bit for me. It makes me embarrassed to think about it. My introduction which I had been practicing for days ended up different haha. Still, my mistakes weren’t that awful, in my opinion. I hope I didn’t appear as nervous as I felt.
The rest of the day was spent with Jia Ling’s secondary school friends. Those that she only met this year. She had so many friends and many of them were cosplaying. Lesson two: Jia Ling makes friends very well and I don’t. I probably have two or three at best. Her group seemed so big. I’m quite envious but I wouldn’t be able to handle so many people either way. They still were nice fun.
Lesson number three: I cannot pose. So many people thought I was cosplaying! Henry probably fuelled that assumption, which is WRONG, by the way. Good news is that it means that my outfit worked. Bad news is I was traumatised with how shit I handle photographers. The first man asked me to stand against the wall as I came out of the toilet. I thought he wanted me to move out of the way. Then he asked me to pose and I freaked out. It was awful, after four photos I just told him that I wasn’t wearing cosplay and ran off. For the rest of the day I quickly rejected four or five more photographers before I could shame myself further. This is why I don’t cosplay (refer to lesson one as well).
Going back to lesson number two, no one came to watch me perform on day 2, even though many promised to make it.
Moving on to day 2. I only showed up after my lunch, and lingered around by myself waiting for Kei kun, who, eventually told me he wasn’t coming because he had “too many things to do”. That actually means “you’re not important enough”. In the end I walked here and there alone, but things just had to get worse.
She was there again.
I stayed away from her this time. Only two close encounters which I don’t know if she saw me. After finding out that she was present, moving about became a lot harder and scary. I had no friends to back me up if anything happened, and I was worried of breaking down. So I had to hide in the performers room for the rest of the day. I simply sat in the corner watching everyone do their thing. My anxiety just got worse and worse in there but I didn’t want to go out.
Lesson number four: I am horrible at social interaction. One of the odorites I met at the dance practice tried to talk to me but I wasn’t able to give my name. I just thought for too long and she assumed that I was too shy and said that it was okay, but I really wanted to talk to her… She, Reina senpai and Kuiin senpai and some others were practicing the dance in the room. I watched them from my chair. I dared not go near Kuiin senpai, but it was so nice to watch her.
Then while I was about to head off for the performance, I heard someone call me.
I turned around to see Kuiin senpai looking at me!
“San, do you want to join us and practice the dance?”
Oh dear! I wanted to, but to dance with Kuiin senpai seemed like something I was not worthy of and I was scared to accept, or even reply!! My gaze was getting worse by the minute so I turned to face the wall. Why did I do that?! My nerves got the better of me. I still dread doing that but I don’t think things could have gotten better. Now Kuiin senpai thinks I’m a weirdo! She might never want to talk to me again…
The performance went okay in the end. I didn’t fall off the stage but made some glaring mistakes. Oh my I am really the worst dancer ever… Everyone must’ve been thinking “What the heck is she doing?” To top it off, I left the stage before they were done bowing! The organiser told me, “they’re not done yet!” I turned around and thought, “shit!” but was so embarrassed by my life already that I scurried down the stairs anyways. How awful…
I must put all these things behind me. The mortification will wear off eventually. I think I destroyed every chance I will ever have with Kuiin senpai. No videos of my performances are released yet. I will judge how disastrous I was when someone uploads them and see if I still want to perform live. It was a bitter weekend, and there were both good and bad occurrences. Nonetheless, I have more things to work on. Gambatte, Sanx!