Yesterday I went fishing with Ji Gu Gong (granduncle), Gong (grandfather), and Jin. I fish probably once a year with Ji Gu Gong and Gong. Jin said it was going to be his first time. Ji Gu Gong thought Jin was my boyfriend… Mummy also almost thought so too.. It upsets me that they have to think of it like that. They wouldn’t be like that if Jin and I were the same gender.
Ji Gu Gong wanted morning fishing. I had to wake up at 6am because we always fish at Pasir Ris… At the other end of Singapore. I was surprised that Jin was willing to wake up so early.
We fished for eight hours. Jin and I were able to go to a more quiet end of the pond to just cast and talk. Jin seemed to enjoy himself, and he liked the action of casting and reeling. I on the other hand, preferred when we had live bait and could sit and wait. Jin was able to catch one fish, that was great for his first time. I didn’t catch any, but it was fine. I screwed up big time twice though. Once I forgot to unlock the reel and did an overhead cast. Jin got something in his mouth as a result, ew! I feel really bad for that. I’m glad he didn’t get hurt…
The other slip up was getting my line in the tree, haha! That resolved itself quickly. Overall I’m sure Jin kun had a great time. I also enjoyed fishing again.
Then comes the not-so-nice bit… It was on the long train ride home. Long as in hour and a half long. Jin and I sat next to each other and talked on the way. He was scrolling through his pictures to show me things and.. I accidentally caught a glimpse of some very unsightly pictures. I tried to look away and accidentally dropped my hat. Jin got distracted by this and didn’t realise what I had seen. So he continued to show certain pictures. I tried to distract myself and focus on the stuff he was trying to tell me, but it was very difficult.
Then he scrolled past it again. This time realising what he had done. And unfortunately, I had to see it a second time. I freaked out. I didn’t know what to do. It was an awful picture. I’m sorry, Jin, but it was horrifying for me to look at. As my anxiety stun-locked me, Jin was desperately trying to calm me down. It was too late though, my head was swarming with awful thoughts and that picture was roaring away in the centre of my mind.
It was a long, long train ride. It hurt so bad. I just rushed my way home trying to keep my cool in front of Gong and Ji Gu Gong. I’m just grateful I got to reach home safely… Jin kun tried to call me but I rejected his call.. I just wanted to distract myself as best as I could.
Later in the night I talked to him. I told him I was okay and he didn’t have to worry… But after a few minutes, my mind slipped, and I just broke. Worst of all, I let myself release it all onto Jin kun… It was a disaster and I had no intention of controlling myself. My slipped mind went rampage for nearly half an hour. Jin kun got so concerned that he almost wanted to come to my place and check on me.
Luckily, the room lights came on and Mummy and Daddy had returned home, resuming their daily lives around me and the slip just ended like that. The fear trigger shut my negative feelings down my belly and slapped me into my conscience. It was painful, to have my slipped mind cut off suddenly. Something like how people cannot stop peeing halfway else it burn. But it was over. I consoled Jin that I was (comparatively) fine. At least I was myself again… I don’t know for how long more but I’m trying. I’m scared that the thoughts will come back any moment… Still, this is the best I can do. I hope I can see my psychologist soon..