Gone Crazy

I feel terrible. I don’t know why but for the past few days, I have been constantly slipping and I can’t control myself. I did it again today and it was awful… It’s not like I’ve been doing anything unusual lately. I’ve been taking my medicine and behaving the way I normally would each day, but somehow it keeps coming back. It’s disgusting yet addicting.

I am very confused and upset with myself. Extremely upset. I hate myself for being so… unstable. The main issue is why is it happening? I thought I was fine. I thought I’m getting better. I guess the slips aren’t as bad as in the past but I loathe it so much. I need to calm down…

Maybe I’m just tired. I have been stressed out from getting a new job last week. It might be that eating away at my soul. Sanxithe, you need to chill. I feel so bad for Jin. He had to deal with my awful side. That awful, stupid, careless side. I’m supposed to be normal. At least, to a reasonable extent. I want to be less of a burden for myself…

I’m just very disappointed with myself at the moment. I have work tomorrow. I can’t slip at work. I’m so scared. All I can do is pray that I stay sane.

Lord, please just not now… I’m so tired with myself, I’m sorry. If only I could just cheat my way into sanity, but of course that’s never the way to do things. Please forgive me for the terrible things I’ve done the past few days. I can’t think straight. Could you help a bit? Please help me. I would really like that. Thanks, sorry again.


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