Settling Down

I enjoy work a lot. I hope that Jemima can join me soon. Not many other part-timers share shifts with me, but that’s okay. The full-timers are nice as well.

I’ve decided to get baptised at the end of this month. I’m not exceptionally excited, I don’t know why. I guess symbolic practices don’t resonate with me as much as Bible reading and all. Although, I will get a few lessons before baptism. Hopefully they’ll be fun. Jasmine says she wants to get baptised too. What a pleasant surprise.

I’ve been lacking a lot of alone time lately. I can feel my introverted self calling for rest. I have been around humans a lot lately, especially with work and talking to Jin. It’s all good stuff, but the best things in life are the nothings.

Fella’s dead. I haven’t cleaned the fish tank yet. I feel like I have something against Curry. It shouldn’t be his fault that Fella died, but I think discrimination has a place in this outcome. Whether because Fella is weak or black, it’s not right for him to have suffered…

I saw my psychiatrist on Friday. I took a blood test to check my thyroid glands. She seemed very disturbed by the fact that I tend to refer to myself in third-person. Something about being uninterested and detached… It’s quite unsettling… I just do it sometimes, it shouldn’t mean anything bad…

I also lied to her a bit. I told her about Jin, and the picture I saw on the train. She asked me how long the image and the urge to harm myself was stuck in my mind. I told her it lasted a week, and she told me to be careful because a week is really long. Actually, the image is still with me. It’s still flashing in my mind and I so desperately need to deal with the temptation. It’s really difficult to talk to Jin and hang out with him. The pain and the fear return whenever we chat, but I don’t wana stop being his friend. I hate lying… but when everyone is cautious of me it makes me uncomfortable. I’d rather act fine and deal with it myself, without these inconveniences. Maybe I’ll get used to the thought again, maybe I’ll control it, maybe it’ll leave me, maybe it’ll control me. Only time can tell.


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