Life

Sinfull

Evil is everywhere. Most evidently in me. I did it on Friday night. At a covered area, but I did it anyways. Seven swipes. There was very little pain, very little blood. I locked the item away, I have no discipline to get rid of it.

At work that day, I cried. It’s a very pressurising thing, working there. You must be fast but accurate. A mistake costs time and money. You become a burden to those who did their job. You’re nothing but a dead weight.

That’s how I felt working. I feel bad for my boss. He probably is frustrated yet pities me. And I have so many shifts that he is sick of my face. I want to be more useful. I want to be more certain and improve. The language barrier is difficult. I only can process so much that he says. I can’t properly express my thoughts out loud. Should I quit? Quitting is bad. I don’t want them to hate me.

Saturday was me and my ex’s anniversary. I have so much hurt attached to these memories. At baptism class we were told to forgive the people whom we hold anything against. We were told to let go of any painful things of the past. I wish I could do that. I’m trying to do that. It’s not about forgetting, it’s about accepting. I need closure but it’s hard. I hurt so many people and have been hurt by so many people. If it’s not anger it’s fear. Fear is my weakness. God is my Lord who will protect me. Why am I afraid? I must strengthen my faith so that I can face my past experiences. I want to live a fearless life, with nothing holding me back. Especially not my own self.

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