Trying For Him

Hi, I haven’t had alone time in a while. I’m glad to just lie on my bed and type. It’s already the middle of February. My cuts are healing nicely and I just finished learning Renai Circulation today. I hope to film soon, and then get started on learning the next dance.

Work has been tough. I had another bad day at work on Tuesday. I think it was worse than the last time. What I did was really, really bad. What’s worse is that I did it twice. And the store boss was there and everything… I felt like such a burden and was disappointed with myself. I still am. I don’t want to be hated…

Tomorrow I’ll be seeing my psychologist and then working for five hours. I can’t mess up, or they’ll fire me. I really really am trying my best… In all honesty, I want to quit but I’m forcing myself to persevere. Maybe it’s because I’m too scared to quit.

I will be endlessly apologising to myself and co-workers so I shall change topic. I have to write a testimonial for my baptism by this Saturday. During my last baptism class Jodie, my mentor, said that we must forgive people who we still hold negative feelings against, even if we don’t see them in our lives anymore. She said we can’t let bitter memories tie us down and Jesus told us to forgive else we won’t receive our life in heaven.

I have so, so many bitter memories that brings me agony each time. How do I let them go? The fear and pain is too intense. It’s not about forgetting about it or waiting till the emotions become numb. It’s about acceptance and forgiveness. On top of my bad experiences, there’s also her. I don’t want to forgive her. But God wants me to forgive her and I want to please him. It’s a battle that I’m currently fighting with myself. I hope I am strong enough. Just thinking about this wears me out.

I want to say something positive just because, but I can’t at the moment. I watched Mekakucity Actors. It was extremely triggering but I finished it all. The pain is real, haha. I must get a hold of myself and my life. My will to live must come from no other but God. Pray for me, whoever I am speaking to!


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