Life

Baka-no-more-work

Friday was the last day of work for me. I don’t regret these past few months. Although it took up most of my living time, my hours were spent in a meaningful way. I have grown so much in the shop. I’ve learnt how to communicate with big and scary people, and even strangers. I am proud of all I’ve done since January. It’s been tough, but I am happy in the end.

I’ve been contacted in the past week by two old friends, one being Phoebe and the other, Bakano. In truth, I do not feel close to Phoebe anymore and I want to avoid any communication at all costs. I did my best to not sound uninterested or indifferent, but honestly, I’d be happy if I didn’t have to face her again. It’s not because I do not like her, or that she did something wrong. I just had an unfortunate turn of events and the emotions spring up whenever I think of her. I hope it was a one-time thing.

Bakano on the other hand, I met up with on Sunday. He used to be my best local online friend in the past. I remember that he was really nice. I don’t have our chat files anymore, but I actually had kept them in a precious folder which did not make it while moving computer files. All I remember of him is that in that folder, he said something really nice to me when I was feeling very down, and I feel like I am in his debt. Even while I was in the hospital, he came to visit me and it was the first time we met in person. We stopped talking suddenly one day. I was in a bout of emotions because of life and was approaching him for comfort but for some reason he said some hurtful things and it scared me. I don’t know who’s fault it was, but we just never spoke to each other again. I thought he hated me and dared not talk to him. I thought that I was being too much. I did my best to erase any memories of him from my brain. I really can’t remember much from two years ago, but he apologised last week. We went out on Sunday to eat and play. He covered most of the cost and was nice to me. It made me really happy that Bakano wanted to spend time with me. I hope it wasn’t something he just felt obliged to do.

I still want to be Bakano’s friend. I want to have a nice friendship with him again. I’ve never been able to mend a relationship before. All previous attempts have been drastically unsuccessful and painful. I will just pray that he will forgive my past and I can stop relating him to that dark time of my life. Please Lord, I want to be able to love freely, regardless of the past. Rid me of my fear because all it does is hold me back.

Jin kun and I want to scout out my new school area this week. I am very excited about it. We were able to play Paladins together recently. Wow, Jin kun is very good at FPS games. Also in Shadowverse, the new expansion came out. I am still trying it out but I am quite hopeful of building a decent deck or two by myself.

Mummy and Daddy went for a holiday in China. I have been trying to do the laundry by myself. I need to be independent. Yesterday Zhe forced me to throw away my dead fish, Curry. I had to spend a long time mourning before I was finally able to do it. I had to take of my glasses to fish him out from beneath the plant leaves. Something about me just can’t handle looking at my dead pets. This was the first time I was discarding their bodies by myself, because if not Zhe would kill me. I was crying so much yesterday it hurt. Just like when Daddy forces me to clear my desk. All I feel is fear and my body is petrified in front of my task. I hate it, I don’t know why I’m like this. But it’s over, I can sleep now.

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